This evening was great, filled with heart flutters and desire and warmth; yet, I, once again, have gone into my head and begun fucking with things. It's like trying to fix something that simply doesn't need any fixing, and is in fact perfectly fine, but there's something I notice that just irks on me, and I can't seem to help it, I have to fuck with it, I have to "fix" it. Off I go poking and prodding in areas I deem fit, "Ah, yup, that'll fix it!" But, hark, NOPE, look I've only gone and pretty much fucked it up good and proper like. It aggravates me greatly knowing that at any point in time I'm completely and utterly left to my own devices whereby I open myself to varying levels of over-sensitivity that promote adilpated self-deprecating thoughts.
Anyway, here I am, with my fears getting stronger, I'm where I seem to often be, with the tendency of holding hard to someone, wanting not to let them out of my sight for fear of them escaping -- a proclivity that no doubt threatens my individualism. Is this not just a form of insecurity, this being afraid, being scared? Can I not just let go? I go into things with such intentions but usually find myself losing a bit of myself as fear of loss creeps in and proceeds to "f me in the a".
I'm angry with myself, for I hate the fact that I can be so god damn fucking sensitive. It prevents me from being objective, from reacting naturally, from letting go. So, I find myself trapped yet again by my own mind, my own insecurities and fears, my tight grip on fears and my inability to just let the fuck go!
